The Tale of the Great Captain Usopp and the Fire
by Megaloo
Summary: Stories have a way of changing them depending on who's the one telling it...Mildly implied SanSopp.


A fic born of sheer and utter boredom. Bonus! It's longer than usual!

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"Allow the Great Captain Usopp to tell you the story of how he once saved an ENTIRE ISLAND from a raging fire!" Usopp was in his element. Telling stories to a crowd of people at the first bar they'd come to at their latest port. The entire crew had disembarked for a well-deserved rest from the sea they'd been sailing for entirely too long. And The Great Captain Usopp had certainly not tripped on the surprisingly-steady land and had certainly not pulled Nami, Sanji and Chopper down with him before crashing into Franky's likewise surprisingly-steady stomach. And Robin, Zoro and Luffy had _certainly_ not been amused because _nothing happened_.

But that was not the point at all. The point was that there was a grand, epic story to be told and several willing listeners.

"It was a dark and stormy night. Not a raining-storm, of course, but there was thunder and lightning and everyone had gone inside because it was scary. The poor townspeople never knew what started the fire, but the bar was the first to go." He smiled eerily and looked around at the entranced faces of his listeners.

Zoro finally wandered into the bar then. Good, he hadn't gotten lost after all. At least not very. Usopp gave a wave as the swordsman sat down at the bar and ordered his sake before continuing.

"A bar a lot like this one, actually! It doesn't take much, you know. One bit of fire in a puddle of spilt alcohol and the whole place can go up!" The barkeep shot him a dirty look. Usopp gulped and turned with a forced smile and a new drink back to his audience. He wasn't trying to kill the guy's business. It was a good thing he still had some spending money from Nami.

"The fire kept spreading!" he announced quickly, taking a long drink for courage. "It was getting darker and darker outside, but the fire soon had it looking like daylight as it jumped from building to building and lit up the whole town!" Chopper and Luffy were staring up at him in the midst of the crowd with their big eyes, drinking it all in and believing every word. It was nice that SOME people in this crew listened to him. He shot a glare and Zoro at the bar and Sanji trying to flirt with the waitress out of spite. Franky was listening though. Even if he was trying to pretend he wasn't. Robin was in a quieter corner reading again, but she probably had an ear stuck somewhere convenient to listen in if the smile on her face was anything to go by. And Nami, of course, was trying to swindle some unsavory sort of bandit or something out of all his money at the card table. He deserved it if he was dumb enough to play cards with _Nami _though.

"REALLY USOPP?? That sounds so scary!!!" Chopper, of course. He was attempting to hide behind Luffy, who was bouncing about in excitement, the bone of something-that-once-had-meat-on-it dangling from his mouth. Needless to say, between Chopper's version of hiding and Luffy's hyperactivity, it wasn't working particularly well.

"Of course!" Usopp grinned and puffed his chest out. "Everyone was running in terror as the fire kept spreading. Everyone except for the GREAT CAPTAIN USOPP. You see, I had seen this sort of thing before and knew EXACTLY what needed to be done!"

"Oh really. And what, exactly, was that?" Ah. Sanji was listening too. Usopp grinned before turning back to his audience. Several of them were leaning forward in their seats, dying to hear how he'd saved the town.

"Well! There just so happened to be a great Sea King living in the harbor!" Shocked gasps spread throughout his group and a snort from Sanji's direction. Usopp was decidedly not paying attention to that though. He had a _story_ to tell. "I, the Great Captain Usopp, decided to pay a visit. Now see, the Sea King had been living there for years and was getting used to the regular meals the townspeople gave it of particularly naughty people who _fell_ off the docks, if you catch my meaning, but sometimes, when there hadn't been any problems, he got hungry. This was one of those times, so when I waded into the water, he showed up right away and I fought him until, like any honorable creature, he backed down and decided to do what I asked." Usopp leaned farther forward on his stool, nearly overbalancing. "So I made a deal with this Sea King. If he would make a wave big enough to douse the town and put out the flames, I wouldn't kill it." Usopp was decidedly ignoring the thunking sound he heard in the background. "So of course, it did and I, the Great Captain Usopp, was hailed as the hero of the town!"

The room broke out into applause at such an excellent tale and Franky clapped him on the shoulder.

"Didn't know ya had it in ya, Bro."

Usopp beamed. "The Great Captain Usopp is surprising in his strengths! I have _eight-thousand followers_. "

"Course ya do, Bro." Franky laughed and ordered another round of drinks.

"Usopp." Zoro was looking at him over his tankard of alcohol.

"Hey Zoro! Did you enjoy my EXCITING TALE?"

"Sure. But why don't you tell it like it _really_ happened?" Zoro grinned as the bar fell quiet again. Sanji was giving him a look so dirty that a lesser man might have dropped dead.

"But that IS how it really happened! Do you doubt the Great Captain Usopp?" Usopp huffed and puffed himself up again. But not too much because it was Zoro and Zoro was sort of scary when he got angry. Not that he looked angry right now, more like amused. But Sanji sure did and Sanji was a bit scary when _he _was angry too.

….Most of the Sunny's crew was a bit scary when angry, to be honest. Not the point.

"Well I know I remember something about a fire, a bar much like this one and you eventually managing to put it out. But that's about it." Zoro looked over at Sanji and smirked. "You want to tell this one?"

Sanji glared and resolutely turned back to the waitress with a plastered on sweet-smile. "Definitely not. It is not fit for such lovely ears as these to hear." He probably would have dropped a bow and produced roses if he had any on hand.

Usopp rolled his eyes. Honestly, the man was an _incorrigible_ flirt.

"Guess I get to do the honors then." Zoro tossed back the rest of his drink and waved for another one. "We were in port and Nami challenged this idiot," he threw a thumb over his shoulder at Sanji, "to a drinking competition. And of course the shitty cook lacks anything resembling balls and can't stand up to a woman to save his life so he accepted and got _completely_ shitfaced. Shitfaced Shitty Cook has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?"

"Oh, you're telling the fire story?" Nami walked up with a nice-sized bag of what was probably all her card-partner had owned before tonight. Usopp glanced back to see him slinking out the door. His loss.

Zoro nodded. Sanji was resolutely ignoring him and lighting up a cigarette to prove it. "Well he tried to light a cigarette." Sanji shot him a quick glare before returning to Not Paying Attention. "And stuck it in his mouth wrong." Sanji took a decisive inhale and blew it out in rings, simply to prove he _could_, despite Zoro's accusations. "So he lit the wrong end and he's got filters or something on there."

"CAN IT, MARIMO-HEAD. There's NOTHING WRONG with filters!" A few other heads in the bar nodded in approval.

"Never said there was, did I?" Sanji just glared and continued smoking his cigarette. "Well he lit the wrong end and it went up in flames. Nice little fireball. Woulda made Ace proud, huh Luffy?" Luffy nodded happily.

"Ace likes fire!" Usopp chuckled. No, really? Never would have guessed that _Ace_ liked _fire_.

"So right as Sanji was about to catch himself and all the booze and stuff around him on fire, Usopp grabs a big bucket of water from outside and throws it all over the sorry bastard."

Sanji growled. Usopp considered hiding and Luffy's memory apparently decided to catch up with the party.

"OH YEAH! And then Sanji kissed Usopp as a thank you for saving him!"

Silence reigned for a moment and Usopp was _really_ hating the fact he hadn't chosen to run and hide when he had the chance. He inched around until the captain was between himself and Sanji. He'd go for Luffy or Zoro first, right? This definitely was _not_ his fault.

Sanji spluttered. The bar broke out in laughter. Zoro smirked and finished his latest drink. Nami considered blackmail as an option once again; she might even give Zoro a cut. Or at least reduce what he _still_ owed her. Franky was absolutely rolling in hysterics and Chopper was hiding behind Robin, who seemed awfully amused herself. Luffy wondered what was so funny.

"YOU RUBBER BRAINED IDIOT, I THOUGHT IT WAS NAMI!"

Luffy blinked and laughed before shooting up into the rafters to avoid Sanji's charge.

Of course that left Sanji charging straight into Usopp.

And as Usopp attempted to disentangle his nose from Sanji's ear or something, he decided that he and the lunatic cook really needed to stop meeting like this.

Oh and that Sanji was going to have to work extra hard to make up for losing him his audience.

There was one common thought that night as they returned to the Sunny: At least this one hadn't caught fire.


End file.
